2nd September, 2009, Scientists Admit They Don't Know What the Hell is Going On

Figure 1: Wtf is going on?

Since the invention of science by Blaise Pascal in 1592, scientists have seeked to discover the inner workings of the universe, be it on the sub-atomic or cosmological scale. Today an announcement from the International Federation of Professional Scientists have put an end to that adventure. In a press release issued by the Federation, it was announced that they're giving up due to the fact they haven't really gotten anywhere in the last few years, acknowledging that they still "really know fuck all about the universe". An exert from the press release:

"Honestly we don't know as nearly as much as we thought we would by now. Take Figure 1 for example. This details what the universe is composed of. See that big purple chunk? It makes things fly apart. Thats all we know. The green slice. Made up of stuff that we can't see, but doesn't make things fly apart. Now the pink bit, we know a little bit about that; for starters its the only bit we can actually see. But we still don't have a complete model for what makes up the pink bits. The LHC experiments were suppose to help with that, but the bloody thing keeps blowing up. Do you know how much fun it is to work with something that keeps blowing up when it shouldn't? Not much. So yeah, we're calling it a day."

This news comes as a shock to many researchers around the globe not part of the Federation, but the general consensus is that each will join their fellow scientists. Reports have also been coming in about the mass gatherings of PhD students dancing down the streets in joy.