21 July, 2010 Breaking Election News!

With the anouncement of the 6335rd Australian election this week comes with it undeniable evidence of one of the biggest cover-ups in the illustrious career of Australian politics. It all began one chilly summers morning, in the wee hours of the establishment of this great land. It was declared that the ruling class of this newly settled land should be of genetically awesome stock. It was decided that CSIRO scientists of the time would tinker with the human genome in order to include someone the most best traits found in the animal kingdom. This was done to ensure that the leaders of this country would be fair, virtuous and other words that one thinks of when thinking of political leaders.

I hear nothing but good things!

Instead, the CSIRO scientists decided to break early for the pub, so they only managed to include one particular trait from certain plants, the ability to reproduce asexually. Now give this a minute to sink in. There was only one plant/politician hybrid created. Each plantitician is descendant from the original; each dismembered limb dropping off budding into the next generation.

  Yeah, something like that

What issues does this raise for the election? Well, essentially everyone up for election is the same person, as naturally selection in asexually reproducing species is known to act a lot slower than their sexual counterparts. This means men=women, black=white and labor=liberal. Also, all political commentary is now void. Excellent. Now I don't have to listen to it for another 4 weeks.

2nd September, 2009, Scientists Admit They Don't Know What the Hell is Going On

Figure 1: Wtf is going on?

Since the invention of science by Blaise Pascal in 1592, scientists have seeked to discover the inner workings of the universe, be it on the sub-atomic or cosmological scale. Today an announcement from the International Federation of Professional Scientists have put an end to that adventure. In a press release issued by the Federation, it was announced that they're giving up due to the fact they haven't really gotten anywhere in the last few years, acknowledging that they still "really know fuck all about the universe". An exert from the press release:

"Honestly we don't know as nearly as much as we thought we would by now. Take Figure 1 for example. This details what the universe is composed of. See that big purple chunk? It makes things fly apart. Thats all we know. The green slice. Made up of stuff that we can't see, but doesn't make things fly apart. Now the pink bit, we know a little bit about that; for starters its the only bit we can actually see. But we still don't have a complete model for what makes up the pink bits. The LHC experiments were suppose to help with that, but the bloody thing keeps blowing up. Do you know how much fun it is to work with something that keeps blowing up when it shouldn't? Not much. So yeah, we're calling it a day."

This news comes as a shock to many researchers around the globe not part of the Federation, but the general consensus is that each will join their fellow scientists. Reports have also been coming in about the mass gatherings of PhD students dancing down the streets in joy.

15th July 2009, God Exists, was hiding out in the Swan Brewery

Historians have long hypothesised the existence of a lost vat room in the Swan Brewery in Perth but have only just today found it. After a partial collapse of the foundations during construction, one area was abandoned and the area was built over. Upon opening the room some say that saw a shadowy figure lurking in the room. This figure turned out to be god.
"Wow I'm glad to be out of there, gets a bit chilly in the winter" exclaimed god. One of our trusty reporters was one the scene to ask more.

"How did you become trapped down there?" asks Fibber McNoseypants (FM).

god: "Well just after I built it I thought I deserved a drink, so I went down to grab one, and lo and behold, the bloody thing collapsed on me."

FM: "You built the brewery?"

god: "Hahaha yeah, probably should have done a better job. Built the thing back in 1867".

FM: "I thought it was built in 1837 or there abouts?"

god: "Oh no.. I mean, I created everything in 1867, the universe, earth, quarks... I left this brewery until last, I was pretty knackered at this point so thats probably why it fell down.

FM: "Wait, the world was created in 1867?"

god: "Yeah. I just made everything look like it was older than it was. I mean who would go to a brewery that hasn't been around for at least 30 years. Most of the other stuff was just to take the piss. I mean dinosaurs.. come on! Someone was tripping on something when they dreamed up them. All I did was chuck some leftover bones in the ground."

FM: "You know this goes against pretty much all world views about the age of the universe, be it 16 billion or 6000 years?"

god: "Of course I know that. Telepathy you see. 16 billion, can you even imagine that number, bah! And six thousand, well that was just dumb. Adding up all the dudes ages in the bible. I mean wtf!"

FM: "You raise a good point here. I assume you created the bible since you created everything else. Why did you do that?"

god: "To take the piss. I thought I told you this already."

FM: "Ok. Let me get this straight. You can create anything, you know everything and yet you got stuck in a lost room in a brewery for a century and a half. Why didn't you get yourself out?"

god: "Well you see I have a few thousand of these universe things going at any one time, thought I'd have a break from it all for a while."

FM: "Well god, its be enlightening. Thankyou for your time."

god: "Actually to be fair, I didn't create time, that was Zeus. I kind suck at making temporal dimensions, more of a spatial dimension man myself. Thats why I gave this universe 10 of them.

FM: "Isn't there only 3 spatial dimensions?"

god: "Fuck, I stuffed this one up too."

23 June 2009, Gov. Deems Cyclists Mentally Disabled. Mentally Disabled Sue for Discrimination

The Australian government is in hot water again over legislation that has just passed the middle house of parliament. According to the new legislation, all cyclists are now classified as mentally disabled and are to be carted off for develocipide treatment.

Cyclist advocate groups are outraged. The coalition of the mentally disabled are even more outraged. "There is no sane reason the government has for comparing us to cyclists," states Mr Overhauser, "I mean, come on, look at them, cycling around in the rain in 5 degree weather, wearing nothing but skin tight shorts! They're clearly nuts."

I thought an interview with a cyclist at this point would be most fitting so I sat down and talked with the most important cyclist in my life. Me.

Me: "Hi me, and thankyou for agreeing to this interview with me"
Me: "No problems."
Me: "Now the government today has passed legislation today classifying cyclists as 'mentally disabled'..."
Me: "You must be using those air quotation marks (laughs).."
Me: "Ah, yes. What is your response to all this?"
Me: "Well I think its absolutely crazy, the legislation, not the cyclists, I mean just because we're a tad masochistic, is that the right word? It'll do. Just because we're a tad masochistic is no reason to discriminate against us."
Me: "Whats you're next step?"
Me: "Do you realise we're having an internal dialogue, or is it an internal monologue?
Me: "I hadn't thought of that. Its a little worrying actually."
Me: "You think its worrying, think about how I feel here! Wow, the nerve of some people!"

After this I stormed out on myself in a fit of rage.

22nd June 2009, Couch Mating Season Begins Early

It seems as though the curious weather Perth has been playing havoc with the breeding patterns of some of the local fauna. The common river couch (pictured above) has started its mating season early this year, which usually begins in early September. Couch biologist Maddie Upname presumes that the extended warmth into autumn this year is causing this curious behavior.

"We are worried that the eggs will hatch during the winter storms and the couchlings won't make it through to maturity," Dr Upname says. "The common river couch is a highly endangered species of course, so there is great cause for conern." The river couch was highly prized for its dazzling colours of its skin and sturdy skeleton which was made into furnishings for homes.

Dr Upname said that her and her team will be monitoring the couch's progress through the winter. She asks that anyone spotting a couch to contact her with the details of the sighting.

19th June 2009, Germany Set to Pass Internet Censorship Laws, Anti-Tellietubbies Groups Rejoice

With the internet censorship bill now passed the lower house, Germany is now one step closer to totally ridding itself of the menace of Tellietubies. "The Friends Against Rampaging Teletubbies (FART) can breathe a sigh of relief today" says chief FART Otto von Hindenburg. "For too long our children have been to subjected to the tourment that is the teletubbies, but from today, no longer shall this occur!"

Today's decision bring's Germany into line with several other teletubbie free countries, including China, Iran and North Southland. "Our government acknowledges the scourge know as the teletubbies, making our kids dance and laugh and take hardcore drugs, for shame!" a volunteer FART said.

Australia plans to introduce similar measures towards the end of the year. Advocate groups are already calling for the addition of the muppets to the list. The Minister of Fun, Stephen Conroy, acknowledges parents concerns about the muppets, but feels this may be impossible as this will mean the dissolution of parliament.

14th June 2007, Jon Stewart voted supreme ruler of Earth

Due to a mistyped bill put forward and passed by the United Nations overnight, Jon Stewart, of The Daily Show fame, has been declared super mega supreme ruler of all of Earth for all time. Woken by the sudden news of his new position, Overlord Steward put it so elegantly when he stated "Huh? What? What are you doing in my room? Get the hell out! I'm trying to sleep, its three in the morning." Later that day, Overlord Stewart declared an emergency meeting of the United Nations asking why he should have the sole burden of resposibility of the fate of 6 or 7 billion people, and countless other organism on the planet. The UN retorted "we fucked up but there isn't a thing we can do about it." Replied His Overlordness "I accept this role thrust upon me". And at that very moment all wars around the world stopped. Overlord Stewart's first order of business was to release the United State's President Bush back into the wild.

17th January 2007, Australia to take on black hole

In a first for international cricket, Australia has decided to challange the black hole Cygnus X-1 to a 5 day test match in early May. "After that classic bout with the pulsar from the crab nebula, we have been looking for new and more challenging teams to play," says Australian captain Ricky Ponting. Veteran Glenn MacGrath said in a press conference earlier that the team was looking forward to versing an object inside of which everything we know about the universe breaks down. Pending the outcome of this game, ACB officials are likely to submit a proposal to the sports governing body, the ICC, that time travel should be invented so that they can go out and challenge the big bang, or god, whichever came first, to a match. Many people have pointed out that everything in this article is not even close to being possible, even in the overactive imagination of a hyperactive 8 year old skoling straight red cordial.

16th January 2007, PREDICTIVE NEWS! Thats right! Get your news here, first, before it happens!

Hot of the press (its a very hot press indeed, you need an incredibly hot press to break the laws of physics), people in South Northland have started spontaneously eating their own faces. As one eyewitness will say, "I was just sitting there and this teenage youth starting eating his own face with his friends cheering him on." Scientists will not know the cause of this new epidemic of pandemic proportions until further research can will be done. The religous right will has call for a ban on all faces as "they are will driving our young people to eat them". Some argue that this is retarded, to which they retort "God gave us our faces, him will might can easily take them away!". The left will unavailable for comment as they are running around in Siberia naked taunting the new US missile defence system.

15th January 2007, thats right, ITS NOT A PRIME NUMBER!

Shocking allegations surfaced today as it was alledged that France alledgely alledged to alledge that they bombed New Zealand, way back in some year that I can't be bothered find the source for, so I won't actually say. Numerous Groucho class ICBMs were launched at the small and hobbit like island nation, some say as a defiant act as they are getting pissed off because every war they've been involved with has turned to shit, since the Norman invasion of Japan in 1066. President Lefrenchguye today stated that the "war" in "Iraq" is, and has always been, "fucked". He has decided that his country should jump ship as soon as possible, leaving the united statians to go down with it. Back to New Zealand... they told the US to fuck off, well not really, no, thats what caused it. Wait, I'm confused. Ok, sources now indicate that Norman penguins frozen in time from 1066 have been revived and are on the march once again. A sad day for the country they decide to march on, being of similar size and weight to that thing that drags the space shuttle out.